Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.