I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.