me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]