[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.