[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
bugs when you lift up a rock
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied