Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The days of good grammer has went
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.