My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically