Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…