Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
True
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired