People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car