Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.