What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
This is not me but this is me
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.