I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.