I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.