Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
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[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’