If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
True
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
peep davidson
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
This came to me in a dream.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”