Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
my first dose meeting my second
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.