Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.