COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.