Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.