Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it