You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
tell em, edith-anne
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Tuesday
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.