My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
🏙👨🏼
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car