“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Potatoes were such a good idea
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets