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There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Fluff me with a fork baby
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it