A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
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[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*