It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Sorry. Not sorry
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.