Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
awkward
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”