I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.