I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I can’t wait!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection