me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I get distracted pretty eas
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.