therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
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KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.