No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out