Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
work smarter, not harder
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Ain’t no way
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.