Hello, my name is Pierre.
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Is your wife single?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer