Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I know
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.