Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
You Might Also Like
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
What flavor cupcake are these
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
#gardening
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi