Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too