The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart