Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
They’re the worst 😩
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My blood type is coffee.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son