I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Unexpected Judgment
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”