People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
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Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Lol
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.