Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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This took me a second..
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
inside you are two wolves
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
and now we wait
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: