doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
s
oc
i
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Friends that check up on you >
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
The sacred texts.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”