“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.