Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Oh, I bet you would be
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
🙅🏻
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.