Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.