My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water