20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
They got Raph!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.