Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up